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100 Questions [28 Aug 2004|08:25pm]
.:*100 Questions*:.
1. Full Name: Jamie Alexandra Lujan Hodges (Alex to you and Lovely to John ;-))
2.Nicknames: ali, al, alecks, cow.
3. Weight: something like 110 lbs
4. Height: 5'3 and a fucking half"
5. Hair: dark brown with natural red streaks
6. Siblings: none but morris my jack russel terrier
7. Do you like to sing in the shower: all the time. mostly MCR or TBS (I've got a bad feeling about this...)
8. do you like to sing on the toilet: no but i do read, or talk on the phone
9. Birthdate: november 4th 1988
10. Address:try asking me that question again, bitch
11. city: albuquerque aka abq
12. state: NM
13. Sex : femaaale
14. righty or lefty: left-er
15. what do you want in a relationship: good sex, much cuddling, someone who makes me feel both beautiful and wanted and someone who can make me laugh
16. have you ever cheated:on someone? no.
17. do you have your license: haha no isn't that sad?
18. do you have a car: nope
19. movies: empire records, dude where's my car, life as a house, what dreams may come, thirteen
20. songs: bury me, i never told you what i do for a living, hang em high and thank you for the venom- my chemical romance and palo alto- the calm
22. t.v show: the days, o*grady, degrassi, radio free roscoe and my so called life
23. actor: evan peters from the days
24. actress: evan rachel wood, and julia stiles
25. food: buffalo wings, jack in the box and wheat thins
26. number: 329
27. cartoon: o*grady
28. Disney Character: dopey
.:*Love Life*:.
29. do you want to get married: yeah sure. now? no.
30. How old do you want to be when you have your first child: um... definitely after i've reached all my goals... so whatever age i'll be
31. How old do you wanna be when you get married: old enough
32. Would you have kids before you get married:of course
33. do you have a gf/bf:nope
34. do you have a crush: crush is a stupid word. strong attraction? JOHN.
35. Music/TV: music
36. green/blue: green
37. pink/purple: purple
38. fall/spring: fall
39. summer/winter: summer
40. night/day: depends. night is better for most things
41. hangin out/chillin: hangin out
42. dopey/funny: funny
.:*All About You*:.
43. weird saying:"shut your face"
44. Favorite saying:I'm everything I want and more
45. what school do you go to: Cibola High
47. what's a major turn on for you: smile and eyes
48. How far would you go on a first date: if i knew him before the date... then maybe 3rd base. I SAID MAYBE.
.:*The Person You Know Who Is*:.
49. Most blonde:myndi cannistraci... but i love her dearly
50. funniest: tie between mashoo and kelly
51. best person: catherine by far
52. Nicest: stephanie hatt, or maybe sarah de wath
53. Which people are you open with and trust the most: catherine, sarah and kelsey
54. what do you think of soul mates: they totally exist and there can be more than one for you
55. what was the last thing you cried or got teary about: i miss cali really bad
57. Are you happy: SOMETIMES
58. What's an object you cant live without:food i think
60. love or lust: love and lust (they go well together)
61. silver or gold: silver
62. diamond or pearl: neither. moon stone.
63. sunset or sunrise:sun set with the one you love
64. Have you ever gone skinny dipping: nope
65. do you sleep with stuffed animals: the stitch that moriah gave me
66. do you have any peircings: ears and left industrial
67. What color undies are you wearing right now: lepoard print
68. What song are you listening to right now:nothing too lazy to click over to itunes
69. What are the last digits of your phone number: 5065
70. Where would you want to go on your honeymoon: san diego
71. What's the first thing you notice about the oppisite sex: eyes, lips
73. Favorite sport: baseball i guess
74. What makes you happy: when you're talking to someone you really care about about something really stupid and funny
75. what's the next c.d. your gonna get: northstar- pollyanna
76. Do you wear glasses or contacts: neither
77. What's the best advice ever given to you: no one can make you feel bad without your consent
78. Have you won any special awards: yeah for being a co-director of the production of 'the steadfast tin soldier' for CTC
79. What are your future goals: become a kick ass record producer and live on pacific beach in san diego
80. Worst sickness: i tend to obsess and get addicted easily
81. Do you like funny or scary movies better:scary
82. on the phone or in person:in person
83. hugs or kisses:hugs from friends, kisses from significant others
84. What song seems to reflect you the most: i dunno if i have one. well, cuz i left that one yellowcard song about moving away.
85.if you died tommorrow, who would you leave your stuff to:my mom and moriah and some to matt and catherine
86. do you have any enemies: daniel saphdie, nadav yuhitman and edo konrad
87. what is your greatest fear: getting a call that anyone i love has been killed
88. would you rather be rich or famous: famous
89. What time is it in albania right now: does it matter? NO.
90. If you had only 24 hours to live, who would you spend it with: catherine and sarah and then fuck john just to say i did
91. have you met santa: at the mall on numerous occasions
92. IF e.t knocked on your door holding up a peace sign asking to use your phone what would you do:think of my dead uncle rob who couldn't eat sausage because it reminded him of E.T.'s fingers and then laugh
93. When was the last time you talked to the person you liked? july 23rd
94. do you have any pets: morris my dog but he lives in santa cruz with my daddy
95. Last time you were depressed: thursday afternoon after chris left and i threw his soda in the parking lot
96. are you an alchoholic: since i haven't had any in a while, no... but i wish
97. Who sent this to you: moriah
98: What do you think of this person: i love moriah as a sister because basically, thats what she is
99. do you want your friends to write you back:yes KELLY.
100. Did you like this survey: yeah i guess.
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About damn time [22 Aug 2004|07:28pm]
[ mood | busy ]

I'm updating cuz I know you wanna know how I be...
so I'll make a list.
-started school
-made some friends in my classes aka Ashley, Kris, ELAINA, Jessie and Seri, Danielle and Brittany!
-met some guys who're way hot aka Angel (football player, buff, punk rock, eyebrow piercing and looks like Fez from that 70's show) Chris (HELLZA funny) and Matt (football player, loves killswitch engage, hatebreed, slipknot and totally HAWT)
-my daddy's coming out here tomorrow to help me and mom with the odds and ends of getting settled in
-still haven't gotten my gawd daaayaaam rory cd
-got the TBS CD
-met up with my ex, kyle, gave him a hand job, saw a movie with him... haven't called him back... (woops?)
-hung out with Elaina and found out we both love FOB (woooot)
- haven't recieved my calm CD (damn you mashoooooo)
- kelly decided to be all weird with me after fucking some girl he barely knew (dude, you make that decision and want to sing to me at my party? MAKE UP YOUR MIND)
- John and I are in-commune-icado... maybe I WAS too young?
Fuck that he said we'd hang out in November and we'd better.

That's pretty much the JIST of it.
Oh and if you're reading this Kelly, I'm really okay with you and Heather. Dude, whatever. And wanna know why I'm the most emotional? I FUCKING MOVED TO A NEW STATE, NEW SCHOOL, LOST ALL MY FRIENDS AND MY PARENTS DIVORCED.
For the most part I think I was pretty under control.

Make yourself sick.
I'm everything I want and more.

AleCkS HawDGeZ

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another survey... get over it [15 Aug 2004|03:52pm]
[ mood | lime jello ]

Series One - Yourself
-- Name: Alex
-- birthdate: November 4th 1988
--Birthplace: Phoenix, Arizona
-- Current location: Albuquerque, New Mexico if I’m at my mom’s... Santa Cruz Cali if I’m at my dad’s
-- Hair color: dark brown
-- Righty or lefty: lefty
-- Zodiac sign:scorpio (us passionate ones)
-- Innie or outtie: Innie

Series Two - Describe:
-- your heritage: mexican, native american (apache and pubelo indian) and polish
-- the shoes you wore today: didn’t wear shoes...BEAT THAT
-- your hair: shooort and dark brown :-)
-- your weakness: buffalo wings, gerard way from my chemical romance, quinn mcmanus, kelly mcmanus, boys who flirt and are totally not ashamed that they are
-- your fears: find out someone i love has been hurt... oh and clowns
-- your perfect pizza: the kind from monta vista high with like cheese, red onion (EVEN THOUGH ITS PURPLE), red bell peppers and mucshrooms... and sausage!!
-- one thing you'd like to achieve: be come a record producer and make killer CDs
Series Three - What is:
-- your thoughts first waking up: “oh shit... __ days til school”
--the first feature you notice in the opposite sex: eyes and mouth. eyes that drag you in, lips that beg you to kiss them.
-- the best name for a butler: lars
-- your best physical features:i really like my eyes and my lips :-)
-- your greatest accomplishment: i made some killer friends before i left
-- your most missed memory: kelly and me at santana row kissing in that grove thing where the random bench in the bush was
Series Four - Do you prefer:
-- pepsi or coke: coke
-- single or group dates: first few dates: group (makes everything more calm) after getting into it a bit: one on one (easier to fuck around)
-- adidas or nike: neither. converse saved my sole... HAHA GET IT?
-- lipton ice tea or nestea: i hate iced tea.
-- cappucino or coffee: coffEE
-- boxers or briefs: boxers. keep your dignity, please.

Series Five - Do you:
-- smoke:not often... whenever i’m stressing
-- sing well: uh... i’ve been in chior for 10 years... i hope so
-- take a shower everyday:yes. they’re rather relaxing
-- do you think you've been in love: yes= matt
-- get motion sickness: sometimes going up Highway 17 at home (*cries* hoooome)
-- think you're attractive: in some ways...
-- think you're a health freak: no. i eat fast food alot. JACK IN THE BOX IS MY FRIEND
-- get along with parents: yes of course
-- play an instrument: haha no not that good...
Series Six - In the past month, did/have you:
-- had sex:NO... doesn’t mean i didn’t TRY... damn you kelly
-- gone on a date: KELLY!!!
-- gone to the mall: too much, actually
-- eaten an entire box of oreos: WHY DO THEY ALWAYS ASK THAT? NO... me= allergic to chocolate, OKAY?
-- eaten sushi: no
-- been on stage: yeah... haha Le Calm
-- gone skating: no
-- made homemade cookies: no
-- been skinny dipping: no
-- dyed your hair: no
Series Seven- People:
--who knows you the best: sarah and catherine and moriah and lauren and matt and jake
--who is the funniest: KELLY
--can sing the best: uhh... moriah?
--best dressed: sarah, damn her
--person you can tell anything to: all of the ones that know me the best + kelly and kelsey
--most emotional: moriah.
--tallest: chris richardson...
--shortest: hahaha sarah ritter
--farthest away: them all :-(
--closest: sarah and catherine and matt
--person(s) you'd like to see more: is john a wrong answer?
--craziest: hahaha fo sho chelsie grice
--closest friend: matt/moriah/kelly/cat/sarah/kelsey
--closest family member: my mom and my dad and uh... iono that’d itzz

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So what if this is my third entry and its only 10 o'clock? [13 Aug 2004|09:53am]
have fun reading this one!
x. FULL NAME: jamie alexandra lujan hodges, but to make it easy you can call me alex (and/or gorgeous... i respond to that one too!)
x. WHERE ELSE HAVE YOU LiVED:birth- 3 years of age: phoenix, arizona... 3- 4 years: pacifica california... 4- 5 years: sunnyvale, california... 5- 15 and 3/4: cupertino, california... cuurently: albuquerque, new mexico
x. SCHOOL MASCOT & COLORS: a cougar. blue n’ gold
x. ZODiAC:scOrpiO (november 4th, dun forget!)
x. SHOESiZE: 7
x. HEiGHT: 5'3
x. EYES: very dark brown (but only if you’re kissing me) black (if you’re too far away)
x. PETS: my jack russel terrier, morris who now lives with my daddy in santa cruz and then I had a wild bird named peter (hahaha kelly!)
x. SiBLiNGS: none
x. MOM N DADS NAME: christine and james. but that’s only if we lived in england... so here? chris and jim
x. HAiR COLOR: dark brown with a kick ass red tint in the sun
x. HAiR LENGTH: short
x. DYED HAiR?: no
x. GOOD iN SCHOOL?: kinda. depends what class and how I’m feeling
x. NiCKNAMES: punk rock cow, silly, ali
x. DO SPORTS?: no ain’t that coordinated
x. NiGHT OR MORNiNG?: night and morning
x. TICKLISH?: sadly..
x. BELiEVE iN GOD?: 100%
x. HAVE BRACES?: did
x. WHEN YOU GROW UP?: thats a weird question... what do i wanna do? be a record producer, work with some great bands and be more talented than john feldmann
x. WORST DAY OF YOUR LiFE: the day i found out that not only were my parents divorcing, but that I was going to have to move here, too
x. WHY?! uh cuz my dad cheated on my mom and she didn’t like california to begin with?
x. BEST DAYS OF YOUR LiFE: that day in Burlingame with Moriah when I went to her house at like... 6:30 and stayed til 7:30 and we hid Ronnie in her closet and warped tour and the calm/JFK show just cuz john was there (hehe...)
x. WHAT COMES FiRST iN YOUR LiFE: my mom and dad and my friends
x. SCARED OF?: spiders and clowns (you get me a spider clown and I’ll murder you)
x. WHAT DO YOU THiNK ABOUT BEFORE GOiNG TO BED?:about the day i had or someone I miss (*whistles* not that I dream about certain people....)
*Non existant questions*
x. ANiMAL: cows and ducks
x. SAYiNG: no one can make you feel bad without your consent
x. WORD: fantastic and/or bitch
x. ROOM iN YOUR HOUSE: my room
x. MEAT:buffalo wings (i’m obsessed)
x. PiZZA TOPPiNG: cheese and sausage
x. STATE: Cali and... well... Cali
x. CiTY: san diego
x. FEELiNG: the weird feeling you get in the pit of your stomach after kissing someone you really really wanted to kiss... and the way alcohol makes everything slow and foggy (and boys who catch water bottles flying at your face)
x. COLLEGE: SDSU, UCSD and Expression College of Digital Arts in Emeryville
x. NUMBER: 329
x. BOOK: aimee by mary beth miller, this lullaby by sarah dessen and gingerbread by rachel cohn
x. CEREAL: since i’m allergic to rice and oats AND egg whites breakfast sucks, I like Smacks and frozen waffles (the kind you stick in the toaster oven).
*In The Past 24Hours Have You?*
x. HAD A SERiOUS TALK: with kelly... kinda.. since we both can’t have a serious talk without making a un-needed joke
x. HUGGED SOMEONE: uncle louis!
x. LAUGHED: yes
x. MADE SOMEONE LAUGH: kelly when my mom called me a little reptile
x. BOUGHT SOMETHiNG: not personally, but we went grocery shopping (does that count?)
x. FLiRTED WiTH SOMEONE: only JOHN *creams pants*
x. FELT STUPiD: with kelly and the acoustic emo songs
x. MiSSED SOMEONE:everyone in cali
*Have You Ever?*
x. DONE DRUGS: no, actually.
x. EATEN AN ENTiRE BOX OF OREOS: i’m allergic to chocolate so if i did i wouldn’t be here now would i?
x. BEEN DUMPED: of course
x. HAD SOMEONE BE UNFAiTHFUL: yes, and it broke my heart
x. BEEN iN LOVE: once. matthew jordan montez medina is his name (aka bass player for the calm)
x. SEEN THE WHiTE HOUSE: i saw it get blown up in independence day
x. DRANK ALCOHOL: hahahaha john, wanna answer that one for me?
x. PLAYED MONOPOLY: 1st time I played i had all 4 railroads and won cuz i had more money than the bank
x. KiSSED SOMEONE: hell yeah. want the list?
x. TRiED A WEiGHT LOSS PROGRAM: HAHAHA NO. but i do like the microwaveable meals from weight watchers
x. COLORED iN A COLORiNG BOOK AND HAD FUN: that used to be my favorite thing to do... like... a year ago
x. BEEN ON A BOAT: yes
x. BEEN ON A TRAiN: yes
x. BEEN iN A CAR ACCiDENT: a few nothing major
x. RiDDEN AN ELEPHANT: i don’t think so
x. PLAYED WITH LEGOS: yeah in preschool (i miss that place...)
x. SHOVED STUFF UNDER BED TO MAKE ROOM LOOK CLEAN: no cuz i have drawers that stop me :-(
x. WATcHED JERRYSPRiNGER: JERRY, JERRY, JERRY! Oh... I mean, no never.
x. GOTTEN iN TROUBLE FOR TALKiN iN CLASS: yeah, but mostly for talking to myself... haha
x. BEEN AFRAiD OF THE DARK: yes i’m afraid aliens are lurking... dumb, huh?
x. BEEN HOSPiTALiZED:for corrective surgery
x. HAD STiTCHES: had them? in my leg after the surgery... DUHz
x. DUMPED SOMEONE AND REGRETED It: matt 1 too many times
x. LiED: many times
x. BEEN ARRESTED: noooo but I’ve been told it was after curfew and it was best to head home
x. FALLEN ASLEEP iN CLASS: once in history cuz the air conditioner was broken and it was so nice and warm...
x. USED FOOD FOR SOMETHiNG OTHER THAN TO EAT: to smear on catherine cuz she wouldn’t give me any of her 6 dollar sausage sandwich from santana row
x. MET A CELEBRiTY: gerard way from my chemical romance, chris from army of freshmen, 80’s combat, tragedy andy, the matches, alkaline trio, senses fail, 3/4 of mest and simple plan and brian from relient k, plans for revenge, audio karate, the higher... a lot of bands as you can see
x. SKiPPED CLASS: i always dream i do but i’m too pussy
x. HATED YOURSELF: most of january and february and part of december
x. BROKEN SOMEONES HEART: not that i know of
x. WANTED 2KiLL SOMEONE: uh no. and since when is tokill all one word?
x. BEEN iN A FiSTFiGHT: no
x. BLOW ME?:what a dumb question. oh and definitely no
*Do You?*
x. LiKE TO GIVE HUGS: so much that i’ll even risk landing in crotches
x. LiKE TO WALK iN THE RAiN: hellza yeah
x. SLEEP WiTH OR WiTHOUT CLOTHES ON: a tee shirt and boxers
x. HAVE A JOB: no
x. SLEEP ON.SiDE.TUMMiE.BACK: side mostly, but sometimes back
x. HAVE A GOLDFiSH:not just one, i havea whole carton
x. HAVE STUFFED ANiMALS: oh, plenty, yes
x. DO YOU BELiEVE iN HOROSCOPES: no but i like them anywayz
x. WHAT SUPERHERO WOULD YOU BE: i don’t like super heros... oh wait... i liked matt’s one quesito bandito
x. ANY PIERCINGS: ears and industrial on the left side
x. ANY TATTOOS: no but i do want one (ask me online i’ll describe it)
x. ARE YOU PiCKiE:with music, yes
x. WHAT MAKES YOU MAD: when people only laugh cuz they know its appropriate
x. WHAT DO YOU THiNK OF BUSH: iono maaan politics ain’t worth crap to me
x. WHO DO YOU ADMiRE: myndi and chelsie
x. DO YOU LiKE CARTOONS: for really
x. WHAT DiD YOU DO TODAY: it hasn’t even been a day yet... but I’ve talked to john :-)
x. ARE YOUR PARENTS ANNOYiNG: no but my mom is getting there (me= needs friends)
x. DO YOU OWN A MiNiSKiRT: a few
x. DO YOU FLOSS: whenever i remember
x. SHAMPOO: AGREE... mmmm...
x. USE BiGWORDS TO SOUND SMART: no i just have a big vocabulary
x. WORN BLACK NAiLPOLiSH: sometimes (but in ever will let catherine put it on me cuz she sucks at it)
x. WHAT's uNDER YOUR BED: storage stuff like my old toys ands tuffed animals
x. DO YOU OWN TV.VCR: uh sure and a dvd playeerrr
x. DO YOU SEE DEAD PEOPLE: what a stupid question. i hate you
x. ARE YOU A GOOD SPELLER: like crazy
x. DO YOU LiKE LiTTLE KiDS: little boys tend to flirt with me and i never know how to respond
x. ARE YOU TALENTED: talented at being me (ooooh faced)
x. EVER SEEN A GHOST: inmy old house alot
x. ABORTiON: my grandma tried aborting my mom... i’m not too fond of it
x. BiLL CLiNTON: fat ugly pig with a huge nose from all the cocaine. there does that answer your question?
x. EATiNG DISORDERS: hey, you know. i dont condone them, but i dont codemn them.
x. RAP: get low is an awesome song and tisy and ursher but hes hip hop, right?
x. SUiCiDE: whatever
x. MAKE UP: just enough to still look natural
x. DRiNKiN: JOHN can answer that!!!!
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Pssttt... yoooou... fill this ooooutzzz [13 Aug 2004|06:42am]
do you's
1. do you think im cute?
2. do you want to kiss me?
3. do you want to cuddle with me?
4. do you want to hook up with me?
5. do you think im smart?
are we's
1. are we aquaintances?
2. are we friends?
3. are we hook ups?
4. are we in a relationship?
5. are we gonna have kids?
am i's
1. am i smart?
2. am i cute?
3. am i funny?
4. am i cool?
5. am i the most brilliant person ever?
would you's
1. would you hang out with me?
2. would you date me?
3. would you be my hook up?
4. would you be my girlfriend/boyfriend?
5. would you have sex with me?
have you ever?
1. have you ever thought about me?
2. have you ever thought there might be an "us"?
3. have you ever thought about about hookin up with me?
4. have you ever found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
5. have you ever wished i were there?
are you's
1. are you done with this survey?
2. are you happy you know me?
3. are you mad at me?
4. are you thinkin bout me?
5. are you going to repost this so that i will return the favor?

If this next convrsation is one I had with you, fill this out and comment it back :-)
"Look at you. You're so incredibly emo."
"How am I incredibly emo?"
"You're at home, alone, with your 4 year old brother listening to acoustic emos songs"
"There's only two of them on this CD that are acoustic."
"NUH UH... what about the Senses Fail song?"
"That does make it two, Alex."

and you! the one who sang to me!!
fill this one outz!
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this in your whatever and see what I say about you?

I really really really like you.

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To Be Continued... [13 Aug 2004|06:23am]
[ mood | flirty ]

Wow. I know if you think of something before you fall asleep that your brain can sometimes dream about whatever you're thinking about, but this is really hot.
I went to sleep thinking about the dream I had of John and you can't even imagine the outcome. (But I bet you want to, huh John? ;-) )
So it started off like last night's dream...
He kissed me, I got into it... but this time not just a little...
As I kissed him he fell back against the wall in the bathroom and he grabbed my shirt to steady himself and started walking backward, tugging me the whole time. He got me into the bedroom and closed the door with his free hand after I had cleared the door.
He laid me on the bed (this whole time kissing) and pulled my shirt over my head as I did the same... and the rest is up your imagination. How we didn't wake up my mom in the next room is a mystery to me...
But I woke up pretty sweaty and satisfied.
Too bad it was only a dream...

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My smile is an open wound without you [12 Aug 2004|08:39pm]
I have so many things on the brain right now but too scared to talk about them all. Why you ask? Because I'm afraid someone will read it and think I'm insane.
1) JOHN:
Yes that's right he's been in my brain all day ever since last night and its bothering me. Well, okay, I like him in my brain.. but that's not the point. HE represents California for me and I miss HIM. (So, if you don't speak Alex which you probably don't, it means I want him super bad but I know I can't have him cuz I'm here instead of the beloved there.
But I think that shows how much I've progressed since January where all I could do was drink and smoke so many cigarettes that my nose hurt because I thought I was ugly, not worth living with or for and that everyone hated me.
How I came out of that was my number two thing on my list of things I'm thinking about...
2) Kelly. We ACTUALLY had a decent conversation today. I was eating Lime jello, he was wrapping his 4 year old brother Quinn in a blanket and I wanted to be in his arms.
He alone made warped tour 1000000000 times more fun for me. I had liked him for nearly two months... and my dream came true (the one where you're at a show and you see a couple kiss and you get pissed off cuz you want that) and he kissed me during AOF.
But now that Im here I learn he didn't consider us really "going out" since I was getting ready to move anyway. Talk about smashing someone's heart in the door jam. (But now that John is in the picture, suddenly things are back to Kelly wanting me.. hmm... jealousy?)
But at the same time that I hate having those loose ends in Cali, its much better than the shit I used to worry about.
Like Matt flirting with me and me wanting him really bad. I'm FINALLY over him and really happy for him and Barbara. Its weird to actually not crave his kiss.
I'm also not stressing about Moriah. She's trying to sort out her life in Vacaville and I hope she figures it out. We're not fighting or annoying each other. Hell, we barely talk.
I'm just really starting to realize that I live here and I really don't live there.
I could be mad at Dad but sometimes I think Dad's only computer smart and human interaction is a big mystery to him.
I could be mad at Mom but I know she's adjusting too and she's suffering too and she's just trying to stay a constant pillar in my life.

All I can do is prepare for school next week and fall back on my friends in Cali. And also read my favorite book, Aimee by Mary Beth Miller and decorating my room to make it comfortable for me.
Here's a quote from that book: (my favorite part)
She sighs and takes the plunge. "You seem kind of depressed lately, that's all."
"I wonder why," I mutter, then add, "Only lately?"
"I just thought that if that physchiatrist isn't working out, then maybe we should try another one before-"
She stops and has enough sense to blush.
"Before what, Mom? Before I kill someone? Or are you afraid I might kill myself?"
Her blush deepens, and I see the perfect tips of her manicured nails digging into her palms as she curls her hands around the wheel. She's so tense I don't think she could make a required left-hand turn. It flashes into my head that if I jerk the wheel, we'd probably both be dead, and for an instant this suicide-murder interests me.
But then it doesn't, I can't even say why. It just doesn't.
We drive home in silence.

And then I can think about my dream of John.
He came to visit me and since the guest room has the TV, I had to wait for him to wake up to watch some TV. I slipped a note under the door...
When you wake up and are ready, come knock on my door. I want to watch some cartoons. Hope you slept well.
So, I'm sitting in bed reading and John knocks. We silently walk into the other room to watch TV and we're both kinda sleepy in our PJs...
So, I get up to go to the bathroom across the hall and brush my teeth, but leave the door open.
As I finish brushing and spitting all the excess toothpaste juice, and as I lift my head from the sink, to look at myself in the mirror, John is standing there and we communicate through the mirror.
"What are you doing in here?"
"Waiting for you"
"For me?"
"Yes, I'm waiting for you, silly."
And before I know it... I can see myself being kissed through the mirror, then turning and getting into it a little.

Then I woke up. I can't believe I didn't remember any of that this morning. But I'm hoping there'll be an extended version into tonight's dreams...
Mmmm... he's hawt and he knows it...

(Only cuz he's there and I'm here
I better leave before I say something REALLY embarassing.

Lovin' yooou (and Quinn... cutie pie...)
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... They remind me of the pick up truck out in front of your neighbor's house... [12 Aug 2004|07:39am]
[ mood | hyper ]

In a very FallOutBoy moooooood yooooz....
"I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret
My pen is the barrel of the gun. Remind me which side you should be on

I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel."

If it wasn't so true I'd dedicated it to someone who's role in my life wasn't all that "true."

Nothing really happened that was like.. cooool yesterday... Besides that Mom and I are finally seeing the last of the boxes... which means our house is almost like the old one in Cupertino...
and I started talking to John from Jay Eff Kay... (oh weeee) and I uh... met him when I was drunk... and Sarah and Jessica know... me + drunk + boys + the beach (depending... haha... AJ) = my weird willingness to like have sex with like ANYONE... anywhere.... but I kinda got myself into a bad situation.
I remember John was teasing me with that look on his face that he KNEW i was drunk and that he thought it'd be CUTE... to fuck with me... and I remember like.. getting ready to like cream my pants. (so unfair)
So then I was blubbering mess cuz I was saying goodbye to matt and chris and moriah and the calm in general... and well.. california... and so I start talking to him about how I was gonna come back to cali for college and become a record producer and then... he was like "well, I was gonna start my own record label.. I'll call you"
and everyone knows i like to talk... but with the influence of alcohol?
i was like "i already work for rigged." and moriah and his (i didn't know that then) girlfriend molly all stop like "WHAT THE?" then i was like "oh yeah... no i'm just kidding, i'd so work with you!"
SO to show my apology i tried hugging john... but he was sitting on a car (i think) and being short, I landed in his crotch and it made me think of that night that me, myndi, stephanie, chelsie, kurt and sean stayed out all night and when i sat in sean's lap (cuz i was handcuffed to the belt loop of his pants and we lost the key in the dark) and it was really warm... so I told him that... and totally didn't mean it to seem like i was coming on to him (HAHA COMING..) and Molly like swooped in and was like "MINE!" *smooch* and I was like "damn, i think i need to get out of here"
Do you think John forgot about that? Haha NOPE. So then I bring up how Kelly is trying to make me jealous with his ex and I'm doing it back and yadda yadda and that story about Molly and I hit another nerve. He and Molly like broke up yesterday because of one of his ex-girlfriends. (I HAVE THE WORST TIMING)
So I think I dreamt about him... but iono, maaaan!
(Let's hope its not like that dream about that guy cuz then he'd think I'm REALLY horny...)
Okay I think its time to get dressed and pretend to be awake.
aWex (thats how 5 year olds say my name! hahaha)

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Did you see my eyes as they poured out like rain? [11 Aug 2004|06:33am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

So I have week left til school. I haven't gone school shopping (we're doing that on Saturday), I don't have my shelves put together and my desk hasn't been sent from the furniture place... BUT... I have my own freakin' computer back (I got Mom's working) so that's pretty freakin' cool.
I miss everyone at home alot. Sarah can finally go places so she's never able to talk and Catherine is on the East Coast and Kelly knows, I'm starting to miss her. And even though Kelly has a nagging way of making me feel pretty dumb and ugly, I manage to have a good time talking to him. And Matt is partly on his side. (Should I be surprised?)
Jimmy emailed me the other day which I thought was rather cute and I'm hoping that when he's away at college we can keep in touch. (Chris has yet to know that I've emailed him like three times... but its all cool)
I started decorating my room yesterday with posters. I put all the pictures of the same band together so its all tidy on my wall (YES, I did have a lot of time on my hands) and i put all my printed out pictures of my and my closest friends up. (I'm still missing ones of Kelly, Kelsey, Sarah De Wath, Jake, Chris Richardson and the really funny one of everyone at Urban Outfitters but I'll get it when the printer arrives)
Now that I think of it I should have entitled this entry "Waiting". WHICH I AM. The desk, my shelves, the printer, and now my RORY cd!
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? NO ONE IN THE FREAKING ALBUQUERQUE AREA HAS THAT RORY CD IN STOCK. But at home, I know its sitting in the Tower Records on San Antonio and El Camino Real in Mountain View. (Cuz its in California, and California rules the planet) So I ordered it on AMAZON.COM and it's gonna take either til friday or next tuesday!! Speaking of next tuesday...
I'm also waiting for school to start so I can attempt making friends and I can finally GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE. And not only that, but my very first boyfriend, Kyle, from like 7th grade is coming to visit his Dad out here on the first day of school and we're gonna hang out! WOOHOO!

So that's it folks,
Alexxx (oh look, I'm HARDCORE.. huh, max?)

PS: The band 80's Combat from Lubbock Texas might stay in my house in September... HOW COOL WILL THAT BE?

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Rory, Chad Michael Murray and BUG BITES THE SIZE OF DIMES [08 Aug 2004|05:24pm]
[ mood | ice cream is definitely a mood ]

So today wasn't bad. Went to try out a new church called Cross Pointe. They're a new start-up church so they don't have a building yet so they meet every sunday in the movie theatre at the mall.
I'm so used to PBCC being huge and having 3 packed services and a high school group of over 100... but they barely filled one audtorium and the high school group had like... 10 kids. That was kinda disappointing.
Then we came home and mom FREAKED OUT cuz i couldn't figure out how to use the lynksis thing that we bought because we couldn't get a hold of dad and he had told us that he was gonna set up the computers before he left last week. so she got mad at him and like slammed shit around and cried and yelled and sweared...
then, came out, apologized, and took me to eat at the mall. after we ate (YES, I AM LEAVING THE EXPERIENCE WITH MOM TO A MINIMUM) we saw A Cinderella Story with Hilary Duff. I have come to a conclusion. Chad Michael Murray is one FINE lookin' young man. AND a special bonus to that conclusion: he would look like... 10 TIMES HOTTER if he were kissing me at the end instead of that baby-fat-only-got-a-record-deal-cuz-i-quit-lizzie-mcguire hilary. but whatever. my prince will come. SOMEDAY.
I'd like to spew about Kelly... but I figured I'll just say this: I could barf. Not to just could or thatI had bad chicken. Looking at him would make me barf. Not cuz he's ugly or that he wasn't funny. He's a jerk. Let's leave it at that.
OH MAN DO I HAVE A BUG BITE THE SIZE OF A DIME. it huuuurtzzzz hellza!!! youch!
I think this year at Cibola High, I'm going to die. Either from lack of friends, or from the dirty looks I keep getting from all the kids. I'm looking at them thinking "man is he hot, god is she pretty" and what do i get? DIRTY LOOKS... and if i don't die from option A or B... I'll die from C... getting the shit beat outta me cuz... I'm new and from California and too freaking happy.
But before I die of the thought of dying, I'll leave you with three new (to me) bands that i think EVERYONE should WORSHIP...
-The SpiLL CanVaS
(all of 111records.com and on purevolume.com)
guess i'm back to advertising good music.

whew that was alotta typing.
love, anti-itch cream and MARIA MENA MP3s
Alecks Hawdgez

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Since When Do you make out in dreams? [06 Aug 2004|09:36am]
[ mood | confused ]

Last night I dreamt I made out with some guy... who was hot by the way... named Chris. That Sarah Ritter knew. HOW FREAKING WEIRD. Here let me explain:
We were like... at school... but you know how sometimes you combine your friends from other schools in your dreams so its not REALLY your school... but close enough? Anyway we were all in the forest with rain coats on taking pictures of the trees, or each other or the other wild life until it started raining.
Then, the teachers wound us up, had us take off our jackets and sit in a room with movie-style bucket seats. When I was walking up the isle to Catherine and Sarah (kinda like when Sarah and I sat together during that Holocaust presentation in the aud. last year) I passed by some semi-hot guys (one I think was from my old church in Cupertino) who were talking all quietly together until I passed by and they stared as I walked by them and sat directly behind them next to Sarah.
So, the lights dimmed and we were listening to some principal-type-dude talk and Chris kept turning around slightly and looking at me in a flirty fashion. So I leaned in to ask what the principal was saying "cuz I couldn't hear him" (LOOK AT THAT SLUTTINESS!!) and if he would kindly fill me in... So our faces were really close and he looked at me... inches away from my face to tell me what the principal had said... and it was like in the movies... he looked from my eyes to my mouth and i was doing the same and then BAM. full frontal snogging... so we kissed yadda yadda... and I turn around and Sarah was half watching, half trying to look pissed off and I was like "DUDE, DID YOU SEE THAT?" And she just stared straight ahead (And Catherine was on the other side of her like... playing with something... like you would imagine a little kid... haha love you cRatherine!) until I gave up and settled in to watch the principal...
So, like two minutes later this piece of red construction paper come floating on my knee from the guy and it says "So, what does this mean? - Chris" and I tossed it back without writing anything.
He turned around confused and I said "I haven't decided what it means" And that was that...
Until we went into the bathroom and started kissing with his back to the mirror, resting his lower back on the counter and he lifted me up as we were making out and i wrapped my legs around his waist (I'M TELLING YOU, I'M SUCH A DREAM SLUT!) and then I noticed Sarah was right there and she looked pissed again.
I HAVE NO IDEA who Chris was. Not Richardson, Not the guy from Zumiez (aka Williams) and NOT Chris Moore from summer school. (stupid player) But when I woke up I could make out with anything now... my tongue is having withdrawls.
Hahaha HOW WEIRD...
Guess what?
I love Sarah Ritter with all my heart.
Okay... I'M DEE ONE!

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How do you feel do you feel unreal? [05 Aug 2004|07:11am]
[ mood | hungry ]

First best friend: Leah... preschool at Vallco Mall in Cupertino (lol)
First real kiss: mashooooo (i even remember the date cuz its like..weird (02.02.02)
First break-up: kyle asplund (omg, i love him still :-) )
First screen name: on aol? tazycheetah on aim? alibalibingbong (c/o my funny uncle richard)
First self purchased album: Tragic Kingdom- No Doubt
First funeral: Uncle Rob (‘96)
First pets: morris... god, i miss that dog
First piercing/tattoo: ears
First enemy: katy falconer (hahahaha)
First big trip: Ireland
First music you remember hearing in your house: oldies of some sort
Last cigarette: oh damn... i think it was back in like... february (almost in july cuz chris thought i wanted the cigarette... but i was pointing to the lemonade)
Last car ride: cali to new mexico
Last kiss: kelly
Last good cry: june 15th... the day i was informed of the divorce
Last library book checked out: oh god, I have no idea.
Last movie seen: The Village in theatres... but I watched Miss Congeniality at home
Last beverage drank: Arizona Green Tea
Last food consumed: BUFFALO WINGS
Last phone call: MASHOOOOOO
Last time showered: yesterday
Last shoes worn: blue flip flops from walmart
Last item bought: the new apo cd, make a sound
Last annoyance: kelly never making it easy on me
Last time wanting to die: june 15th
Last time scolded: last night for something dad did
R e l a t i o n s h i p s
01. Who are your best friends? moriah, lawn, matt, sarah, catherine, sarah D, chris, myndi, chels, steph, casey, charlie, kelsey,... kelly?... (gary n andrew if they know i still exist)
02. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? did. in the market for a HAWT NM boi
F a s h i o n | s t u f f
01. Where is your favorite place to shop? BUCKLE
02. Any tattoos or piercing? ears and industrial on left
S p e c i f i c s
01. Do you do drugs? no
02. What kind of shampoo do you use? AGREE!!! (omg, it makes my hair so volumized... i heart it)
03. What are you most scared of? getting that phone call saying someone i love is hurt or dead (happens too much with my mom, actually)
04. What are you listening to right now? palo alto, the calm... what else?
05. Where do you want to get married? who cares where? as long as i actually get married
06. How many buddies are online right now? 9 but its 6 oclock in cali
07. What would you change about yourself? my naive way of going about life... the way kelly makes me feel... my stroke (gets annoying)
F a v o u r i t e s
01. Color: orange, marron n purple
02. Food: buffalo wings or GOOD miso soup
03. Boys’ names: Brandon
04. Girls’ names: Georgia
05. Subjects in school: History (we’ll be hist, we’ll be hist, we’ll be historay!)
06. Animals: cows and ducks (yeehaw?)
07. Sports: baseball
08. Perfume: whatever mojj-eye-uh wears
09. Cologne: moves by addidas (c/o mashoo) and enternity by calvin kline (who else? kelly...)
H a v e | y o u | e v e r
01. Given anyone a bath? yes (baby sittin’ eric :-) )
02. Smoked? cigs, yes... cloves... yes
03. Bungee jumped? no
04. Made yourself throw up? NO
05. Skinny dipped? nope
06: ever been in love? just mashoo
07. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? Yeah lol
08. Pictured your crush naked? Haha yep
09. Actually seen your crush naked?i don’t have a crush... but i’ve seen some fine men naked...
10. Cried when someone died? yeah
11. Lied? Yes.
12. Fallen for your best friend? haha mashoo again (oh well, its over)
13. Been rejected? Haha yep
14. Rejected someone? I can’t remember... prolly...
15. Used someone? prolly not paying attention when i did it
16. Done something you regret? Haha yeah
C u r r e n t
Clothes: tazmanian devil boxers, and my monta vista pe shirt
Music: ashlee simpson
Make-up: none
Annoyance: kelly
Smell: air?
Desktop picture: chris, kelly, devin, lauren, matt and catherine posing :-)
Book you're reading: i think i bought a new book yesterday..
cd in player: amy own disc
Dvd in player: dvd not set up yet
Color of toenails: mine are clean baby
L a s t | p e r s o n
You touched: mom?
Hugged: dad
You imed:oh man... kelly... i think...

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Albuquerque [03 Aug 2004|07:08am]
[ mood | content ]

Hey there everyone.
I decided to start a new livejournal since everything else seems to be a fresh start...
-living with JUST my mom
-living in albuquerque
-starting a new school
-starting a new school year
yanno, pretty much everything.
So, instead of trying to be creative, I'll just put my entry to catherine and sarah on here... but I will be soon writing on my own for just me. Please respect that this new... life... isn't exactly going to be easy... so if I turn into an emo fuck I apologize now.
Screen Name: ascfolife
Entry Title: New Kids On The Block had a buncha hits...
[ mood | bouncy ]
[ music | palo alto- the calm ]
Entry Text: Chinese food makes me sick and I think its fly when girls stop by fo da summa, fo da summa. HAHAHA!!! DO YOU REMEMBER THAT SONG? let alone the band... LFO... oh snap nigga...
Anyway... There was a reason for that journal entry, I swear.... APPARENTLY ... I’m like the new thing to gauck (is that even how you spell it?) at in ABQ. I swear to freakin’ God... I get so many looks from people out here that it makes me think I’ve got some sort of dried food on my cheek or something. Maybe its just cuz I’m so god damn gorgeous. HAHA... I doubt it... but I can pretend, right?
So... here we are... finally... after two days of UNPACKING... in hot hot hot weather and some arguing between the ‘rents, toooons of leftovers from Kevin’s party and alot of spanglish we’re in our new apartment. Its 10 blocks from the mall, 12 blocks from my school (WHICH HAS NO WINDOWS AND OPEN CAMPUS ONLY FOR THE SENIORS (dun worry, i'll get a senior boyfriend ;-) ) and next to a gas station and Dion's pizza (not that there ISN'T a Dion's 4 times on Coors Road... Coors=el camino+stevens creek+foothil expressway) where I plan to eat too much pizza and get fat like CHRIS! (jay kay i love you senor riCHARDson!)
They have shitty miso soup here... it has.. get this... MUSHROOMS IN IT... (I'm scarred for life) But my cousin took me to a kick ass restaraunt called El Pinto (the place... oh yeah... I rule) Which seats... get THIS ONE... 1,500 PEOPLE!! So enough aboot ABQ.
We got lazy when bringing up the boxes and just stuck them wherever they’d fit. Which was a BAD idea since now we have to unpack... but move the boxes into the correct rooms into which it’s contents belong. THAT WAS CORRECT GRAMMAR, BY THE WAY.
So, to avoid that, Mom and I went shopping for food and stuff we left at the old house for Daddy. (Who cried when he got off the plane, but I’ll write about that on TOMYGUNBELIEVER) But, it wasn’t all that boring... CUZ WE HAVE THE DOLLAR TREE STORE... where... literally... everything is a dollar... with like $1.44 tax AFTER everything is added up. And we went to the walmart SUPER center and got a new shower curtain... which... get this... IS DUCKY THEMED...
When I was little, my mom and dad used to collect duck stuff for me... and I’ve always wanted a ducky for a pet... so that was COOL. But, we didn’t get my bed covers n stuff cuz that was at Target and we got tired... BUT I DECIDED SOMETHING... even though my favorite color since like 7th grade has always been purple... I’m INLOVE with orange... so my room (only one wall cuz the landlords are GEEAY) is gonna be orange and my bed spread is gonna be white, orange and maroon... cuz I also like maroon :-)
So, I tired setting up the internet for me and mom... JUST like dad showed me this morning before he left for san jo... but theres one part of the plug ins on the hub (computer talk) that doesn’t have anywherez to go... and then mom was trying to get her cell switched over to a 505 area code so dad couldn’t get ahold of us... so he called aunt julie and she came over kinda paicked and said he had mentioned something about a cord of some-sort.
So, I can’t call to figure out what the hell to do with the extra cord on the hub cuz mom’s phone is being gay n she’s been on hold for like an hour... and aunt julie’s at the rod stewart concert.
BUT I GOT A CELL PHONE... one that i cannot make long distance calls cuz its a tracfone (the one where you buy the minutes as you go)... and I’ll give you the number so YOU can call me since... YANNO... you can still call me... (the only problem with that is that i have to activate it online or over the phone and as you just read... neither are working... so i technically have no service or number... justa charged phone)
Other than that nothings really really new... No new boys to gossip about and fret over (THOUGH KELLY ISN’T CALLING ME ANY LIKE HE SAID HE WOULD...) But I miss you. Catherine: MY MOM STARTED TALKING LIKE YOU... aka... “oh no she/he didn’t...” and SARAH: when Joe jumped up on my legs last week he scratched me and lefta bruise around the scrtach... I’d sue you... but I LOVER you too too much.
If you want the full scoop.... call me or... talk to me online... THAT IS... if i ever get it to work...
talk to you sexy ladies (MINUS KELLY ON THE SEXY PART... hahahaha) latar!
I miss you :-(
PS: i tried making an entry for the 30th... but my computer is gay... so i'll give you the highlights:
-my cousin kevin lives in santa cruz n my aunt julie (my mom's half sister/bestfriend) and uncle louis threw a surprise 30th b-day party for him... I have pictures... i'll upload them later
-my dad came to help us unpack so that was cool
- there's a liquor store right by my apartment called kelly's liquors... and theres a huge sign that says "KELLY".. it makes me miss him
-kelly like... never called... NOT ONCE... the bastard.. haha jay kay and speaking of kelly... SARAH: REMEMBER WHEN HE RAN INTO THE TREE? "oh snap niggaaaa" *kelly dance* oh maaaaan
kk... I'm DONE

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